she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Who died my cat blue again?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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