Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
