i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
