oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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