So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
