Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
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I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
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Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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