Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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