Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
