before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
