At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
