I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
