my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
