I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
