jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
