i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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