Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
