Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
