Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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