the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
