things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
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