I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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