i wish starbucks made bloody marys
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
not ubering you a puppy
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
