There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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