I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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