I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
