Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
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Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
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Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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