My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize