thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
