Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
