So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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