That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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