Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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