stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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