he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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