apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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