just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
