I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Randomize
