Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
