either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
