I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
