I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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