hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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