They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
