i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
