Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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