Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
