I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
