Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
