I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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