Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
