You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
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She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
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I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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