my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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