i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
