I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
