Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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