Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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